Sometimes One Head is Better
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: I'm actually going to try a short romance. Alucard and Integra's bond is driving the poor woman mad. She decides to do something about it. Parings? Uh not what you think from the summary. Please let me know what you think. Thanks. Not to be taken serious.
1. Stupid Crushing Vampire

**Sometimes One Head is Better**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**AN**: Okay, those of you who are familiar with my writing know that I don't write Romance. The reason for this is that I suck at Romance. However, I'm pretty good with Humor. At least, that's what I've been told. So, hopefully, by doing a Humor\Romance this will average out to be pretty good. Well, enough of my prattle. On with the story.

**Chapter One: Stupid Crushing Vampire**

Integra sat behind her desk. She had a huge stack of paperwork in front of her. One thing her servants never seemed to consider was just how much destruction they caused. Integra was grateful that **she** didn't actually have to pay for it. Unfortunately, she did have to write up reports for everything her vampires destroyed. It really wasn't fair. In every other branch of the English Government the field agents were responsible for their own reports. But after the blood ink and thinly veiled threats in the first report that Alucard ever filed, it was quickly decided that someone else would have to file all future reports for any vampires employed by the English Government.

Integra pushed her chair back, took off her glasses and rubbed her slightly bloodshot eyes. She looked at the paper and sighed. _Only half done. That does it. I'm going to make absolutely sure that next year's budget has money for a secretary! Last year's would've if Alucard hadn't drafted that Police Girl. It's all her fault! I can't really stay mad at her though. It's not like she asked to be shot through the chest and turned into a vampire, and she's always trying to be helpful. Honestly, I've never heard of a vampire with a sweeter attitude or one who was more eager to please those around her. And the figure, those lips. I wonder if they taste as sweet as... What the bloody hell am I thinking!_ After a split-second, Integra figured out what was happening. A look of recognition passed over the Hellsing heir's face, and she growled, "Alucard." Integra angrily got up from her chair, put her glasses back on and stormed down to the mansion's sub-level.

Once in the sub-level, Integra headed straight for Alucard's chamber. She flung the door open, being the only one who could get away with such a brazen act, and walked over to her servant's closed casket. She rapped the lid a couple of times, stirring the sleeping monster within.

The lid was flung up. Alucard rose and shouted "What!" Then he saw his master standing over the coffin and his face took on an apologetic expression. "Sorry, Master."

Integra still looked mad, which confused Alucard a little. Granted he had shouted at her, which was something he never would've done if he'd known she was the one rapping on his coffin. However, she did wake him up in the middle of the day, and he'd already apologized. Then Integra asked a question that made Alucard realize just why she 'had a stick up her butt'.

"Dreaming about the Police Girl again, were we?"

Alucard sighed. "Sorry, Master, but a man cannot be held responsible for what happens in his dreams."

Integra threw up her hands. "Oh honestly, Alucard, I couldn't care less what sick fantasies float around in your head. I only ask that you do me the 'courtesy' of keeping them to yourself. I really don't need to be drawing comparisons between the supposed taste of Police Girl's lips and her blood. For one thing, it's sick; and for another, it's distracting. I have paperwork to do!"

"Yes, Master. I know, and I've been trying since you first informed me of the problem. You haven't had anymore, um... 'dreams' I trust." Integra stared angrily at Alucard for daring to bring those up. However, she kept silent, so Alucard knew that she hadn't. "You see, Master? I am trying. It's just harder to control our mental link while I'm asleep."

Integra sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, causing her glasses to raise slightly. She knew that her servant was trying, and she didn't want to be unreasonable. _But, damn it! Why do vampires always create problems?_ "Look, Alucard, I've tried to be reasonable, but after nearly six months this problem still hasn't gone away. And you've been living... uh unliving... whatever! together the whole time. This isn't some little crush that you're just going to get over. You've got to deal with this."

Alucard cast his eyes downward. "I know, and I've tried. But it's hard."

"Hard! Alucard, really? What's so hard about it? Your room's ten feet from hers. Just go in there and kiss her, bang her, suck her blood, or whatever you vampires do to each other. Clear your head, so I can keep mine focused."

"Master, I can't do that."

Integra couldn't believe it. Her servant actually looked embarrassed. "Alucard, are... Are you blushing?"

Alucard sounded insulted. "I most certainly am not."

Integra walked over, sat on the rim of her servant's coffin and lifted up the brim of his fedora hat. "Yes, you are." She stated with an almost accusing tone before continuing in a genuinely concerned one, "Alucard, what the bloody hell has happened to you? Blushing about a girl. You're not some adolescent school kid. You're the freaken No-Life King! How many brides have you had, ten, fifteen?"

Alucard grinned slightly. "Seventeen, actually."

Integra let the brim of the hat fall back down. "Seventeen brides. Were you this nervous with each of them?"

Once again, Alucard seemed insulted. "Certainly not, Master. I took by brides with the same confidence I led my armies. I conquered their bodies with the same ferocity my soldiers used when they devastated the Turkish lands." Alucard smiled proudly.

"Okay, so what's the problem? Just go and do the same thing to Police Girl."

"Master, I can't"

"Why?!"

"Because it's different. She's different. She's cute and... and innocent... and what if she says no?"

"What would you have done if one of the others said no?"

"Simple, I would've taken them anyway. And I would've made them regret daring to refuse me." As the lord of the undead chuckled darkly, the look in his eyes made a cold shiver run down even Integra's spine. She subconsciously slid a couple of inches away from her 'pet' vampire. But then, the chuckling stopped and Integra's servant continued in a more solemn tone. "But... But I could never do that to her. She's too... too pure."

Integra's brow nit together. "Weren't all of your brides virgins? Weren't they all 'pure'?"

"Of course they were virgins, Master. Do you really think I would want with what another man had touched? But being a virgin doesn't make one pure. It just means that they'd never had sex. I mean look at you. You're a virgin, but no one would ever call you..." As Alucard looked over and saw the expression on his Master's face, the vampire wisely chose to leave his sentence unfinished. It didn't seem to do much good though.

Integra quickly stood up and started marching towards the door. Just before exiting the room, she spun around, locked angry eyes with her servant and ordered. "You remain here. I'll solve this myself." Integra spun back around and opened the door.

Suddenly Alucard had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Wait, Master! What are you going to do?"

Integra turned back to her servant. "Since you don't have the stones to tell her how you feel, I'm going to do it for you."

"Master, no! Wait! I..."

"You? You are not to leave this room, and that is an order!" And with that, Integra stepped out of the room and slammed the door. She walked the ten feet to Seras's room and stopped at the door to take a couple of deep breaths. Thanks to their bond, the Hellsing heir could literally feel her servants apprehension. He was scared stiff. _Serves him right. Stupid crushing vampire. This isn't high school! I shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this._

(Well, what do you think? As I've said I'm not good with romance. In fact this is the first time I've ever tried to do a story with romance as the main plot. So, please let me know how I'm doing. Be honest and tell me if this is worth continuing. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


	2. This is Like Pulling Teeth

**Chapter Two: This is Like Pulling Teeth**

Integra decided to knock on Seras's door. As the Lord of Hellsing manor, she could've just barged in like she did to Alucard, but Seras had a much different personality. She was shy, sensitive, usually withdrawn, nervous and somewhat insecure, except for when she was fighting. Then her vampire side tended to take over and she became a barbaric killing machine.

Integra knocked a couple of times and heard a feminine voice reply, "Just, a minute. I'll be right there." The voice was then followed by a crashing sound and what Integra assumed to be a frustrated growl.

As Integra waited for Seras to answer the door, the knight found herself briefly wishing that vampires had a mating season. It would've made her life a whole lot easier. Seras would've eventually gone into heat, Alucard would've mounted her and, simple as that, the two would've gotten together. Alas, Integra was **never** that lucky. No, the only time vampires went 'primal' was when blood was involved. The rest of the time they behaved in fairly human ways. _Really, human? What am I thinking? I'm standing here trying to sort out my blood thirsty servant's messed up love life so that he'll stop flooding my mind with his perverted thoughts. There's nothing human about this._

It was then that the door slowly opened, and Seras poked her head out. _Such a cute little nose. And those big, beautiful eyes! Alucard, get the hell out of my head and let me concentrate!_

"Yes, Sir Integra, do... Do you need something?"

Integra tried to smile warmly. It wasn't something she often did, and she couldn't quite pull it off. A concerned look passed over Seras's face and the fledgling asked, "Sir Integra, are you okay. You're not ill, are you?"

Integra's slightly disturbing attempt at a smile faded, and her face fell back to the typical somewhat sour expression. Her voice sounded a little annoyed as she replied, "No, I'm not ill. May I come in?"

"Um, okay. But mind the broken glass. I just tripped over my nightstand and knocked over my, um... 'wine' glass." Seras chuckled nervously.

Integra walked into the room, stepping over the pieces of broken glass, coated in a red liquid that was definitely not 'wine'. She walked over and sat down in the room's only chair. Seras looked at Integra and fidgeted slightly. _The poor girl's probably afraid that she messed up somehow, and I'm here to reprimand her. Oh, how cute. _Integra put her hand up to her head and rubbed her forehead. She mentally growled, _Alucard_.

"Sir Integra, are... are you sure you're feeling okay."

"I'm fine... It's just a 'pain in my neck'."

"Um, so why are you holding your head?"

Integra shot Seras an annoyed sideways glance, and the fledgling quickly dropped the conversation. After a momentary pause, Integra motioned to the bed. "Please, have a seat."

Seras sat down. She looked down and smoothed out some imaginary creases in her uniform. Then the fledgling looked up and smiled nervously. She asked, "Ah, did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, Seras, you're fine."

Seras breathed a little sigh of relief and then slowly started to ask another question. "So, why-"

Integra cut her off. "I'm here to talk to you about Alucard."

Seras tensed up again. "Has... Has Master done something wrong?"

Integra hesitated a moment while she thought about the question. "No, not exactly. I'm here to find out how you feel about him."

Now, it was Seras's turn to pause and gather her thoughts. "I... I am very grateful to Master for saving my life and... and helping me, um... 'adjust'."

_Saving your life? Yeah, right. I read the report. There were at least a dozen ways he could've dealt with that vampire without putting a bullet through your lung. He didn't 'save your life'. He simply saw something he wanted and manipulated the situation to get it. It's just too bad he lost his nerve before he could complete his 'conquest'. Really, I've got an undead slaying organization to run. I shouldn't have to concern myself with the romantic desires of my love-sick vampire. _"So, you like him?"

Seras brought her arm up and rubbed the back of her neck. She tried to slough off the question. "Well, yes. Of course, I 'like' him. Don't you?"

"No-" Seras looked shocked, but her expression changed as Integra continued. "that's not what I meant. Do you, um... like, like him?" _Oh, Lord, help me. Now I'm the one who's sounding like some brain dead teenager._

"Like, like?"

_This is like pulling teeth! Fine, forget about the 'soft touch' approach._ "Do you love him?!"

"Do... Do I love him?" Seras was obviously caught off guard by the question.

It was then that the high-strung Hellsing heir snapped. Integra quickly sprang out of her chair and shouted, "Yes, love! L-O-V-E, love him!" Seras jumped, and Integra moved closer to her. The knight had a half crazed look in her eyes. "Or want to date him? Or sleep with him?" Integra leaned over so she was right in the poor, petrified fledgling's face "Or, something? Do you have any romantic feelings for your master?"

"I...I...I...I..."

Integra finally realized that perhaps she should've stuck with the 'soft touch' approach. _Oh, that's just great. I broke the overly sensitive fledgling. Nice going there, Integra._ The knight turned and walked back over to the chair. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Then she looked over at the poor girl she'd scared half to death. Seras had stopped her stammering and was now sitting very quietly on her bed. Integra noticed that the poor girl was visibly shaking.

Integra sighed and then she did something that was extremely rare. The prideful Hellsing heir actually apologized. "I'm sorry, Seras. I didn't mean to go off like that. It's just that Alucard's been driving me crazy-" Integra reached up, put her hands to the side of her head and tugged at her hair. "and I need to make him stop!"

Seras finally found her voice. "Wh... Why has Master been driving you crazy?"

"Because he wants you!" Integra spat out before chuckling and continuing. "Actually, I think he loves you."

Seras blushed profusely, causing her head to bare a slight resemblance to a ripe tomato. "Why do you think he loves me?"

Integra had calmed down enough to sit back in the chair before answering. "Because, he wants you and hasn't taken you yet."

"Taken me?"

Integra's head dropped down to rest on her hand. _Is this girl deliberately trying to make this more difficult? I mean I know she's 'pure', but no one is __**that**__ pure._ "He hasn't had sex with you yet." Integra would've bet a thousand dollars that Seras couldn't possibly turn any redder. Yet, somehow the fledgling managed to do just that. "Alucard is... a very driven individual. If there's something he wants, he takes it. He wants you. If he didn't love you, he would've already taken you. If you said no, he would've forced you, raped you. But he hasn't done any of that."

Seras's blush faded somewhat and she nervously shifted her position slightly before asking, "So, if Master loves me, why hasn't he said anything?"

Integra sighed. "I suspect that he's probably never been in love before, which is rather remarkable considering that he's had seventeen brides. But from the way he talked about them, I don't think he actually cared for any of them. I think he just used them to satisfy his own desires. I'm pretty sure that's why he hasn't said anything to you. You're the first girl he's ever been afraid of losing. So, instead of telling you how he feels, he's just kept it bottled up inside until those feelings spilled over into **my** subconscious."

"Your subconscious?" Seras asked as she looked around and suddenly became very aware that the two of them were alone in her bedroom. "Um, Sir Integra I... I don't think... What I mean is, um... I'm not... Uh-"

Integra stared at Seras for a moment then burst out laughing as she figured out what was bothering the stammering fledgling. Through the laughter, Integra managed a reply to Seras's unspoken protest. "You (laugh) you think (laugh) Oh (laugh) Oh, my no. Trust me, Seras, I have no interest in you. At least, not **that** kind of interest. The only thing I want from you is an answer. At this point, I don't even care too much what it is. I mean, yes, I'd prefer it if you loved him too. I know that would make him happy, and a happy Alucard makes my job easier. But, even if you don't care for him, well... He'll be disappointed, perhaps- And I can't even believe I'm saying this. even brokenhearted. But eventually he'll stop pining away and move on. And I can finally get my sanity back. So, what's your answer?"

Seras blushed again and looked down. In a voice that was little more than a whisper, she replied, "Yes, I love him."

Integra grinned. "I'm sorry. What was that? You'll have to speak up."

"I said, YES! I love him."

Integra's grin widened into a full fledged smile. "Well then, girl, don't tell me. Tell him." Integra cast her eyes over to the door. Seras's followed, and then the fledgling happily dashed out of the room. Integra left a moment later; and as she headed back up the stairs, a thought popped into the knight's head. _Can vampires get pregnant? _Integra shuddered as she thought about a little Alucard running around the mansion. _Dear Lord, what have I done?_

(Well, what did you think of the second chapter? Did you like the ending? Please let me know what you thought of this. Any constructive comments are welcome. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


End file.
